


Bittersweet Ambivalence

by BrokenTourniquet



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Canon but AU-ish, Drama & Romance, F/F, Original Character(s), Post Season 2, lots of feels i guess, season 0/3
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-24
Updated: 2015-10-24
Packaged: 2018-04-27 20:46:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5063512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrokenTourniquet/pseuds/BrokenTourniquet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Season0/3-ish.</p>
<p>Carmilla is trapped in the library with the two people she didn't think she would be. Something has changed in all of them. <br/>They're stuck in the damn library. Lost. That says a lot, they've all lost something. Carmilla isn't afraid to fight for it back. Laura can't find herself. LaF is stuck but working. <br/>Three becomes four. A bit of Carmilla's past finds its way in. At least now they have slightly better chances. If they could find what they lost..</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bittersweet Ambivalence

**Author's Note:**

> So my other fanfics (if you follow me) are on hold as I don't have inspiration for them at the moment. I am going to work on this mostly and finish Crawling.   
> Sef is purely and OC. If you want to know a little bit more about her go here: http://archiveofourown.org/works/4387994/chapters/9961067   
> Her past is still the same. She just explains it more. Next chapter will explain how she and Carmilla know each other. 
> 
> Title taken from Stand Alone by Chris Lake & Lazy Rich FT. Jareth

There're very few words you'd use to describe them. One of those that you wouldn't is "Ready" because they're not. Ever since that video- everything's gone down kill even more. They've seen it. They've seen  _her_. The way she stood back up and Kirsch...the poor puppy. Shits gone down hill swirling down until there's nothing left to do but fall. Inevitably that's it. That's what'll happen. They'll fall, every single one of them will fall.

No stopping that.

They're so beyond shaken and numbed out at this point hell even looking at the mad scientist hurts you. They're usually cheery and ready to experiment, but you watch them move to a corner whimpering like a dog that's been kicked one too many times and it hurts. You been there, you know how it works. You know how it all works. They'll spiral down and lose themselves in the fear. Nightmares. What if's. Why's? How's? How could's? Pain. Thoughts. At least they're not in a coffin.

That stings to think about so you recoil what you thought was supposed to be a good speech. You realize how awful it makes you seem and while you're by no means good you know you're not as harsh as that. You can be harsh. Just not to anyone in their positions. Right now you're the only one out of this Trio who can actually fight because you know exactly who you are and what you can do.

They've lost themselves.

You never thought you'd see the day when two people with so cemented beliefs in themselves would lose it all. You think you've had a part to play in that, in fact, you did. You were the one who fell for the could have been sacrifice. You tried to stop mother's plans and it set off chain reactions to this. You trusted way too much. You didn't trust enough in the right things. And for what? You're not sure. You're never sure. It kind of hurts to think about.

So here you are watching them both from an opening behind boxes and shelves in the library.

LaF is in her corner, elbows resting on their knees, hands in their hair still silently crying. You get why, though. You just wished you could have told them to tell Perry sooner. You can tell by the way they're crying that they loved her much more than anyone thought. Well besides you- you could see it on their face. You could see it on Perry's face too. If you didn't feel something similar for Laura you'd have thought it was grossly sick. It's not. You're just as lovesick. You hate the idea of that because you saved them both but...here you are now. You just wish you could ease their pain even if they're not your best friend. You would have called them a friend just for their kindness towards you.

Laura, though...oh god Laura. Your heart stops beating at the sight of her. Out of love and just pure sadness for the poor girl. She's laying on a mat (you refuse to question how there's a mat) with the blanket wrapped around her staring at some part of the wall blankly. You think she might have been staring at it before for quite some time for some reason? Probably as if it'd give her answers. It didn't so she gave up and she's back to not talking which is driving you insane because somehow you miss it. You miss her. This is not Laura. Not your Laur- er...not Laura at all. You can't help but feel like she's lost because of what she did for  _you_ and you can tell she doesn't regret it. Just how she did it. She's usually diplomatic in some way, but she gave in.

That's what stumps you. She's the reason for Mattie's death. The reason your only longest best friend is dead. You want to hate her and you tried, but it feels forfeit. What she did you know is not okay but when you look back at how she saved you, you know she sacrificed herself for you. It'll take time to rebuild but the pure hate you held is gone and you can tell you never fell out of love with her despite her actions (just like you to fall like that) you realize this.

She didn't sacrifice herself like everyone thought she would and somehow it means a little more. Of course giving your life for someone else still means a lot but what she did...she gave up her ideals, her morals, her views, her hard work, the things everyone she cared for fought for, things some of her friends died for...she gave all that up for you. She sacrificed herself in a very emotional way all for you. She had given up but as soon as there was a way to save you, a way to keep you alive, she took it and everything else was on the table. You weren't even sure if she'd take it, there was a moment you believed he'd kill you and because she was too good it'd happen. Yet he's dead and you're not. How ironic is that?

How ironic is it for the first step to forgiveness had to be her risking and ultimately losing everything that attracted you to her in the first place? How ironic is it that she feels like a monster but still views you as human? How ironic is it that your Laura who's lips could satisfy you for days now thinks she's tainted with blood? And how ironic is it that it's because of you? Oh, how irony loves to dance between you two at this moment. She's not her. Only since her have you ever felt like you. If you could muster it up you'd laugh about it. How ironic is that? That the human is the monster and the vampire is just the creature in comparison right now? How ironic is it that you know somewhere you're so desperately in love with each other that even if you hated her with a burning passion forever no one could ever dare take her from this world because she's shown you such a light side to it?

She's sacrificed herself for you. It's a starting point.

So your heart breaks to see the tears roll down her eyes across her nose to hit the mattress she's on. The wound on her chest is healing, but you can tell the emotional and mental ones haven't. She doesn't even notice you approach the bed with soft footsteps. The mad scientist doesn't bother to look at you if they notice so you decide to leave them be for now.

It isn't until you stand in Laura's way that she looks up briefly at you still crying. Your eyes connect and the attempted smirk (just to keep it cheery for the moment) just falls into a sad look between the two of you. She knows you understand but for whatever reason can't bring herself to believe you when you say she's not a monster. She moves to wipe tears away, but you stop her hand and move it out of the way to place a hand on her cheek as you kneel down in front of her and wipe them away instead. She closes her eyes and pressed her cheek into your hand for a moment. God..she's missed your touch? That hurts.

"Creampuff-" You open your mouth to say something but her eyes open and look at you so you stop for the moment. She's tired...so tired. You can't convince her to sleep either.

"I just- keep seeing it," She says to you.

"You had to." She shakes her head and sits up removing your hand but never taking it out of hers. You now truly see how tired she is. "Laura-"

"I don't regret it," She says to you looking at you with a sad but genuine expression. "I just wish I knew of the other way."

Your heart is breaking for her. The pile of hate you managed to build up as you took a walk hoping she'd be asleep when you returned is taken away completely by that statement. Now there's just remorse. Remorse for what she did for you. She shouldn't have had to. You can hate her later you decide. Some part of you still hates her now, but there's a larger part that wants to console her. You carefully let that part slide into play more than the other. You're dead but not heartless, even a dead heart can still break.

"Hey," She refuses to look so you squeeze her hand. She looks at you and you give her a look. "I know you think they're always more than one option but trust me okay? If there is it would take much too long to notice. It would have been too late. There's not always more than one right choice. There's right and the other." She nods sniffling a little.

At least she's talking, right?

"I'm sorry," She admits. The pile heats up- "I'm sorry you met me." Then it's back down in confusion.

"What?" You're genuinely confused as she starts crying and wiping her eyes. God, she's such a mess and you want to permanently wipe the tears away. You know you can't.

"I'm so sorry you met me Carmilla." Ouch...she used your first name. Not the nickname. "If you hadn't then things would be different. Danny would be alive. Mattie would be alive. The students would be alive. Kirsch wouldn't be drained of blood. The campus would be better without me fucking it all-" That's one of the few times you've heard her curse before.

Your hands instantly shoot out and cup her cheeks to look at you as she cries. You take a short moment to look into those eyes of hers. Whatever 'light' she had in them is almost completely gone. That magnificent sun in her eyes is now but a star flickering in and out of existence. You're not sure you're doing well with that. You refuse to let it go out. You'll find a way to flicker it back into the full sun again if you have to.

"Laura," You say sternly. She quietens down in fear (fear from her?...it hurts.) and listens to you. "There is no possible outcome with you out of the picture that wouldn't be positively horrible. You right here is probably as good as it can get throughout any outcome, dimension, etc." Her fear lessens up and you feel relieved. She wipes her eyes and nods to you with a sniffle again.

So you sit beside her and pull her to you again. It's simple but effective. She tries to hold back her cries.

"It's okay.." you whisper to her as you press a kiss to the top of her head. There's her breaking point. She bawls and you clench your eyes praying to whatever is out there to change the tides for all of you before you guys crash down and die just from the world.

Eventually, she calms down and you convince yourself to let her head stay in your lap for awhile. You manage to get her to eat something before she actually passes out which is a miracle in its own right because honestly? She had been refusing to eat before. So you feel accomplished in that regard at least. You know it's honestly not much, but it is  _something._  You can live with that for now.

She doesn't say anything but as time goes on you feel tired yourself and doze in and out of consciousness for quite awhile against the wall. You have to convince yourself to get some sleep but when you move she begs you to stay and your heart breaks for her. You're half awake so you tell her to just let you get comfy next to her. At first you were just laying next to each other but eventually your arm is around her pulling her close as her head is on your chest and you're sleeping.

How good it feels to sleep for the first time in a few days. You're dead, but it doesn't mean you don't enjoy the rest you get from sleep. How else do they wake they dead if the dead don't sleep? You're fairly sure your body just has a mind of its own because of how it covers Laura. Like you're willing to protect her.

Honestly, you are..you just are confused as to why. She should be someone you want to harm right? Wrong. You really don't want to.

You sleep and surprisingly you dream. _You dream of dark places you'd once forgotten. A very dark place you were stuck in for eternity with no way out until war, men, and bombs helped you out. You wished you hadn't dreamt of it but how else could you not? More trauma has happened,_ family _is dead. Of course, your mind would do this._

_You remember clear as the day the moment Mother threw you in that coffin. Nailed it. Buried you so deep you're still surprised you got out. You lost hope then and never really got it back. The coffin was...so cold..only the blood that filled it sustained you but after awhile it became tainted and gross. It tasted awful and you refused to drink it for as long as you could before you had no choice._

_The hunger sunk in and you gave in holding out longer than any vampire before, you had to lap it up and have a fill. By then it was...disgusting. No way to preserve it properly you were sick to your stomach most of the time you spent in there. Somedays you'd yell for Mother to let you out. To let you have another chance just so you could get free but no one could hear. No one cared either._

_Eventually, anger sets in. Anger so intense your heart beat with it every moment almost. It beat so intensely if you had no mind left you'd have been sure it was your anger then set off that war. Like it was your anger that told the world there'd be no rest for awhile...like your anger helped set you free. You know now that's not true and your anger turned into determination to foil her plans._

_The bombs and shakes hit. You were so weak by that time but had little strength. As soon as the coffin cracked loudly you were surprised and it took you a minute, but when it finally registered your hands shot up feeling against the coffin roughly. When you found the crack you pulled at the wood. Your hands received painful splinters and bled, but you didn't care. As soon as you got a reasonably sized hole in it, dirt flew down. You barred your fangs and continued. You didn't need to breathe. You were dead._

_Desperately you claw, break, move, and bleed from the wood. You have to claw...dig your way up out of the dirt. It feels like it takes forever because of how tired you are but somehow you're managing. You ignore the pain and sore bones. You keep moving and moving. Eventually, your hand reaches fresh air. Trying to grab whatever you can to be pulled up..it's all soft and hot dirt. You hear...odd sounds and you're unsure, but you manage to pull yourself half out of the ground._

_You're dirtied and tired but as you look around you notice it. You're not familiar with the technology advances you see, but you know what this is. War. A shadow covers you and you look to find-_

A loud CRASH from behind bookshelves jolts you awake. Laura heard it too and looks at you scared. The scientist in their half ball from where they were sleeping heard it too. They look at you and shake their head. They don't know.

Too many things flash in your mind. What if it was one of Vorden's goons that had been too enthralled by him? Somehow they found a way in and are hunting those who killed the man? That makes you grit your teeth. The idea they'd dare come here when they knew nothing- it upsets your core. You're in no mood for pathetic attempts.

You try to move and Laura holds onto you. She gives you a scared look. After all she just saved you...sacrificed for you. You understand her hesitation but with a kiss to the forehead without thinking she lets you go but mouths for you to be careful. You nod at that and move to stand up. Your bones and body feel better. The nightmare behind you for now.

You move quietly and you can hear movement- scuffling beyond the corner in the darkness. You stand at the corner, to the side of a shelf where an almost never ending hallway of shelves leads. You see movement just out of reach but struggle to see what it is. You have a bad feeling.

You hear a cry of pain and you know it's certainly not good. You step forward quickly but cautiously, your body envelopes in dark black smoke. LaF you know is shocked but not at the same time. Laura, however, rushes over to you. She's scared. Within a few seconds, your body forms into that of a silky furred, beautiful panther. You look at her and she stops on command. You inch forward. The sounds still there.

Your body tenses. A flash of golden eyes sets your senses off and you're now scared. You've met that kind of best before. It looks at you and before it can you rush at it. You hear Laura shout your name, but LaF holds her back. You shoot into the darkness.

As you thought, the golden eyes belong to a grisly wolf. One that is gray and brown. Much like the opposite of yours, where your stands out this wolf's fur blends in. It stands taller and wider than normal ones. It's just bigger and meaner. It sees's you running at it and without second thought runs ar you too. You feel like you've done something stupid now. It's teeth show and you show yours back as well. Laura is still shouting for you. You see the body of someone. It's mauled. This wolf has done it.

It's no real wolf, though. It's more...beastly.

The wolves jaws snap forward at you and you manage to dodge out of the way of the teeth throwing a claw at a shoulder. It connects. The wolf yelps in pain. It doesn't back down though as it pushes into you sending you into a shelf. That hurts. It growls as a warning.

Since when has a were-wolf given warnings? You've never seen one do that.

As soon as its head snaps to Laura with a growl you can't risk anything. You get up and lunge at it thrashing anyway you can. It's fighting back and struggling with so much power it rivals your own. Which is odd almost. You've only met one who might have been able to do that but even then you weren't sure. It's jaws snaps onto your neck and yank you to the side. As it does it gets up and takes a running start towards Laura and the Scientist. Both are frozen in fear.

You stand up and rush forward after it. It sense this and pushes itself. In return, you do the same. You gain on it before it can get to them, but it's far too close. Your jaws snap onto its tail, you stop, nails making a horrible sound against the floor. You yank the wolf back and it falls to the ground. You rush ahead of it and accidentally knock into the other two. They fall to the side and back up. You growl at the wolf. The wolf growls back.

It rushes forward as you transform back to your human form. You can't do anything but brace the impact. Surprisingly, you hear bones crack sickeningly as it comes at you. Before you know it you're on the ground and a hand is around your throat tight as a hand with long sharp nails rears back to take a final sweep. They transformed way too quickly. That has to hurt a thousand times more than it normally does.

Your hands grab the one around your throat as you're pushed into the ground and you show your fangs. You look up at the attacker to find a woman, almost as dark as Mattie, blonde hair (obviously dyed you can tell from her roots), eyes still a yellow, a tank top torn, and cargo's in a similar manner. However, she retained her clothes is beyond you. Tattoo's here and there as well.

You look at her and your grip loosens. She's confused as her snarl turns into a confused, not at all satisfied. You KNOW her. It actually shocks you because you thought she was dead. Mother told you and Mattie she was dead. How the fuck is she alive? Are those...dog tags, military dog tags around her neck? You're happy but angry at the same time.

"Sef?" You ask. It seems to knock sense into her. Her eyes are now their natural green. Her hand removes itself from your neck and she looks genuinely shocked.

"Mircalla?" She stumbles off of you.

Laura looks at you confused. How do you know a wolf?

"What the tardis?"

You better start explaining.

**Author's Note:**

> Come chat/follow/talk to me here: http://darktonic.tumblr.com/


End file.
